just life

I don't know why but i am having so many thoughts/ feelings about people and i just don't know if i can handle them anymore. i just want to tell everybody how i feel but im just to scared for the response that i might get so i just keep everything in. And it is really starting to effect me and i cant handle it anymore. every time i watch a sad or relationship show or movie i just start thinking about all my problems.i have a lot of thoughts about different boys/men in my life right now and idk what to do... i really really like one of them but i just dont know what else i can do right now to show it so i kinda backed away and i really didnt want to but but had to for myself. but i do hope something happenes between us if its met to be, but if its not i hope i get a sign or something real quick so i can move on and pursue other things/this other person. well with thiss other person he is older and mature and that is a major plus because he acts his age and i can act mines as well.. so today i went to visit him at work and i was there for over 2 hrs and i actually had a great time.. we just talked and laughed the wole time i would like to get to know him more because he is a really cool person but idk where this might go. and i really need to take things slow because i cant get my feelings hurt again like with _____. but on another note i might be getting a job and i really hope i do because i really need it asap. i need to stop spending money for real because if i stay at home i would lose my mind and i wont be able to be free and do the things i like/want to do. okay so i jsut have so much on my brain and i would rather talk to somebody about this but i cant because i just dont have nobody so thats y i blog... i just hope one day i can get that one bast friend who i can just talk to forever and we can just figure things out..

WoW!!!

So I named the title WoW cause there is just so much going on right now all I can say is wow and just try to keep moving on with my life. I jsut dont even know where to begin... but first on saturday May 15 i will officially be a UIUC grad and i cant wait... i am so proud of myself for finishing college in four years and i also like the fact how ppl are shocked at the fact that i am finishing in four years and makes me happy to show them that i can/could and did do it....well since i am graduating i am looking for a job and a place to stay becasue i can not move back home to rules and shit after being on my own for 4 years that is just not happening....i was just looking on the internet and i think i found a couple places so i am going to call them tomorrow and see how much the rent is and everything like that.. i cant wait till i move out because i feel so depressed and like i cant be myself in this house i try to stay away from people and do my own things.. also another reason is because my cousin moved in with us and she moved in my old rooma nd now i have to stay in my grandmas room and i really dont want to.. i dont know why but she did died in here and i just dont feel comfortable staying in here and i dont even think i am going to be able to go to sleep tonight.., i still have yet to sleep/lay in the bed.. i just dont feel right so im probaly just going to sleep in this chair cause i dont think i can sleep in the bed... #dontjudgeme i just cant... also it her bday in 2 minutes... shes been dead for 8 months and i really dont think it quite hit me yet because i still havent cried or anything and i dont even know where she is buried t cus i hate cemeteries... i kinda wanna go and visit but im to scared to even ask where its at/go by myself... i hope i can change that one day.. well on to the next subject... school i hate it and dont see how i can continue and carla just keep bragging about her grades and shit and im praying for 2B and 2C thats all i need and nothing lower then that or else idk what ima do... well thats it im kinda excited to start roosevelt for this paralegal program and its located downtowm im super excited about that.... also i really hope i do good when i retake the LSAT because i really wanna go to new york law school yes i know the tutition is going to be out of control but thats where i wanna go and once i make it to be a good lawyer i can repay my loans and its all gonna be worth it in the end...

graduation::: so as i said i graduate in 2 dayas and im a lil excited and nervous at the same time i just hope i dont trip with my heels on but thats the least of my worries i am mad about my hair because i hate it idk y i got this color and its just so ugly first thing i am doing when i get to NY is getting my hair done...cant wait they have the best weave and do the best sew-ins for the cheapest ever.... so geeked for my trip to NY and this cruise we going on in 1 week... i still havent even packe dor even know what im bringing but i really dont care because i know ima still look good and everything is going to be okay... i cant wait for my graduation party either... i hope everybody i invited plus more come because i really need the money and i want them all to ee how i graduated anad going to make something of myself....

the next topic is going to need its on post....