okay so i havent blogged in a while and since then some much has happened. i dont know where to start at. well right now i am talking to my friend on facebook and he just said something that made me smile... i happy. but anyways i effin hate u of i and i cant wait till i am thru with them i swear they just trying to keep me there forever its cool tho cus when i go to law school i am going to know what to do and want not to do thanks to them. but anyways im over it now and thers nothing i can do but finish.

so this whole situation i'm going thru with somebody is really driving me crazy. i really want to move on but when i actually get somewhere that when he comes back. well my bday is monday and if i dont get a call text or something from him then i am really done because i been there for him when he was going thru the most and when i want him just to text and call me and we see each other once a while its like its just to much to ask so now i dont even care. but thats the problem i keep saying i dont care but i really do and i just miss him so much i actually thought we could be a good/cute couple but for some reason i guess i was wrong so i need to move on with my life and not wait for him to come around. I mean if its really meant for us to work out them it will and right now i just dont think it is so im moving on and for real this time i'm not going back. i need to find me a real boyfriend so everything can be okay and since i dont have friends i just be bored in the house all the time and need something to do. this job search im doing sucks major ass cause i still havent found a job and i need one asap cus i am getting broke and i am going to have bills to pay really soon. and i need to get this loan paid off before i go to law school next fall. well im done with vent cus this is depressing what im going thru and nobody knows

just life

I don't know why but i am having so many thoughts/ feelings about people and i just don't know if i can handle them anymore. i just want to tell everybody how i feel but im just to scared for the response that i might get so i just keep everything in. And it is really starting to effect me and i cant handle it anymore. every time i watch a sad or relationship show or movie i just start thinking about all my problems.i have a lot of thoughts about different boys/men in my life right now and idk what to do... i really really like one of them but i just dont know what else i can do right now to show it so i kinda backed away and i really didnt want to but but had to for myself. but i do hope something happenes between us if its met to be, but if its not i hope i get a sign or something real quick so i can move on and pursue other things/this other person. well with thiss other person he is older and mature and that is a major plus because he acts his age and i can act mines as well.. so today i went to visit him at work and i was there for over 2 hrs and i actually had a great time.. we just talked and laughed the wole time i would like to get to know him more because he is a really cool person but idk where this might go. and i really need to take things slow because i cant get my feelings hurt again like with _____. but on another note i might be getting a job and i really hope i do because i really need it asap. i need to stop spending money for real because if i stay at home i would lose my mind and i wont be able to be free and do the things i like/want to do. okay so i jsut have so much on my brain and i would rather talk to somebody about this but i cant because i just dont have nobody so thats y i blog... i just hope one day i can get that one bast friend who i can just talk to forever and we can just figure things out..

WoW!!!

So I named the title WoW cause there is just so much going on right now all I can say is wow and just try to keep moving on with my life. I jsut dont even know where to begin... but first on saturday May 15 i will officially be a UIUC grad and i cant wait... i am so proud of myself for finishing college in four years and i also like the fact how ppl are shocked at the fact that i am finishing in four years and makes me happy to show them that i can/could and did do it....well since i am graduating i am looking for a job and a place to stay becasue i can not move back home to rules and shit after being on my own for 4 years that is just not happening....i was just looking on the internet and i think i found a couple places so i am going to call them tomorrow and see how much the rent is and everything like that.. i cant wait till i move out because i feel so depressed and like i cant be myself in this house i try to stay away from people and do my own things.. also another reason is because my cousin moved in with us and she moved in my old rooma nd now i have to stay in my grandmas room and i really dont want to.. i dont know why but she did died in here and i just dont feel comfortable staying in here and i dont even think i am going to be able to go to sleep tonight.., i still have yet to sleep/lay in the bed.. i just dont feel right so im probaly just going to sleep in this chair cause i dont think i can sleep in the bed... #dontjudgeme i just cant... also it her bday in 2 minutes... shes been dead for 8 months and i really dont think it quite hit me yet because i still havent cried or anything and i dont even know where she is buried t cus i hate cemeteries... i kinda wanna go and visit but im to scared to even ask where its at/go by myself... i hope i can change that one day.. well on to the next subject... school i hate it and dont see how i can continue and carla just keep bragging about her grades and shit and im praying for 2B and 2C thats all i need and nothing lower then that or else idk what ima do... well thats it im kinda excited to start roosevelt for this paralegal program and its located downtowm im super excited about that.... also i really hope i do good when i retake the LSAT because i really wanna go to new york law school yes i know the tutition is going to be out of control but thats where i wanna go and once i make it to be a good lawyer i can repay my loans and its all gonna be worth it in the end...

graduation::: so as i said i graduate in 2 dayas and im a lil excited and nervous at the same time i just hope i dont trip with my heels on but thats the least of my worries i am mad about my hair because i hate it idk y i got this color and its just so ugly first thing i am doing when i get to NY is getting my hair done...cant wait they have the best weave and do the best sew-ins for the cheapest ever.... so geeked for my trip to NY and this cruise we going on in 1 week... i still havent even packe dor even know what im bringing but i really dont care because i know ima still look good and everything is going to be okay... i cant wait for my graduation party either... i hope everybody i invited plus more come because i really need the money and i want them all to ee how i graduated anad going to make something of myself....

the next topic is going to need its on post....

Been Awhile

I haven't been on here blogging in a long time, but i really have a lot to say. So much has been going on i don't know where to begin. So if it jumps from topic to topic just bare with me cause I might just go on and then just switch it up. Okay so first lets begin: I have to have this procedure/surgery done on Wednesday and I am so scared I don't know what to do. I'm trying to act like it doesn't bother me but it really does and i don't want them to put me to sleep at all. That is my all time biggest fear and i never thought in a million years this would happen to me. As the days are approaching I am so tempted to stay here and just cancel it. I mean nothing is wrong with me now I don't feel anything I do have pains and stuff once in a while but who doesn't. I just hope everything is okay and i wake up afterwards and nothing is wrong with me. I have a long life ahead of me with so much planned and things I want to accomplish in my life I can't let this procedure stop me in any way. On to the next topic: So i will be graduating in exactly 3 weeks and I am so nervous/excited/ can't wait. I have so many mixed feelings on graduation altogether. But I am happy to be graduating in 4 years and I know what I am doing after so its not like I am just going to move back home sit on the couch so I guess thats a plus. But I just can't wait till I get done with school altogether and I can work a full time job and really be an adult and live on my own and do my own things. I will feel accomplished. After I get myself and all my needs together and in order I will then begin to look for man so can begin to start my family. I know I say I don't want kids but deep down I do want one and I want to aadopt another one so I only want two kids and that is it. I want to adopt because it is the right thing to do I need to help a kid out. I had/have a wonderful life and childhood I just want to do the same for somebody in return...esp if their family can't provide for them. I just applied to this job working at a law firm downtown Chicago and I pray that I get the job it will help me get so much experience that I need to become a successful lawyer. So if I don't hear back from them by Monday I am going to call them and check the status of my application so I can see if we can schedule an interview or something because I really need that job and I am so ready to quit target. I hate that place I can't believe I am still there after all the complaining I do. okay so the last topic I have on my brain is..._ _ _ _... I'm sure you already knew. But I just don't even know where to begin with him but I am really trying to get over the feelings that I had for him because all it is doing is causing me pain and I hate feeling like this. I just really need to move on. I was almost there but then who do I get a text from him? y I don't know and ever since then I have been constantly thinking about him so much and i hate that. I don't kow what I can do to get over him and just move on because i probably sure he is going back to NY after he grads to be with his ma. So today I am going to text him to let him know I am having surgery and that is it. I am not going to text him after that, he knows my number so he can text me if he wants. But I think when I move back home things will be different because I will be having dips on deck (hopefully) so I wont be worried about him. Even tho I really really did have strong feelings for him its cool I can move on and make it. So that is all i had to say I will be back on Wednesday to let you know how it went if I'm not back then something went wrong so pray for me that it didn't...ttyl till Wed loves

Hey I haven't been on here in a while but its about that time to vent because I have a lot of stuff on my mind and it is causing me to go semi- crazy. Well first of all i don't know what school I should go to after i grad in May. It's between Roosevelt and Loyola, they both have something the other school doesn't have so that makes it worst. Roosevelt is cheaper then Loyola that is like a major plus but I still can't make a decision. What makes it worst i never really had to make an important decision before like picking what school I wanna go to. My mom usually makes those decisions for me but this time its all up to me. Besides that problem i have another one dealing with this boy who i like and all but i dont know whats happening now. I knew this was gonna happen i always do this to myself but im just gonna back up and let him do him and ima do me. Even though i keep thinking about him all the time (idk y) i am going to try my hardest not to and just stay focus on my school work and graduating.

**well i really don't feel like talking about it anymore because it is bothering me and i don't wanna think about it anymore so ttyl bloggers

Tuesday March 16, 2010

I am so escited for tomorrow. I just can't wait to go to EIU. I really haven't had these feelings for somebody in a loooooonnnnnnnggggggg time, but I am so happy that I do have these feelings. I just hope everything works out between us. I really hope I don't get hurt thru all of this because I really wouldn't be able to handle that kind of emotion right now. But I now know he likes me just as much as I like him so I think everything should work out. Okay ima stop now before i jinx us cause I don't want that to happen. So I'm done now talking about him. xoxo:)

Life after UIUC

So I am graduating in like 2 months and I really can't believe it. I don't think it has hit me yet, I have came so far in my schooling I really never dreamed of all this. I know people probably thought I would have a kid or dropped out, but NOPE that's not my type of thing to do. When I tell people that I am graduating and did it in 4 years they have this look on their faces of amazement or so what schocked. I bet they are thinking in their heads "i never thought you would be graduating" , but I am truly blessed and happy that I am graduating. I feel like I have accomplished so mush already and yet I still have a long way to go. I just can't wait until I get my law degree and show everybody that I can do. Because I know I can. After I graduate in May I am going to do this paralegal program so I can learn more about what lawyers do and all the steps and things that have to be taken into account. I just can't wait to be actually be taking real law classes and be in the actual setting. The paralegal program only last for 8 months so I while I am taking that class I am going to be studying to retake LSAT in Sept or Dec. I took it before but I don't think I scored to high on it so thats why I didn't apply to law school and plus I feel like my gpa is not as high as it should be. I am currently applying for internships and jobs after I graduate, so I can get some kind of experience in the law field before I actually start working in the field. Yea so I am pretty excited to be graduating in May I can't wait:)